What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
