my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
