The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
