We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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