I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
