Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
