Soap is not a condiment
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When did angry sex become our thing?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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