His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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