Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
