Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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