If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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