He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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