Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
