This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
