I can text with my tongue
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
