I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
