Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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