i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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