Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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