you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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