I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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