Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
