i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
