you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
either way he was missing a nipple.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
