I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
