That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
