I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
worst night to have a conscience
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
