Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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