Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
