we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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