her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
