I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
