Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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