Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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