I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
