i think my tv is drunk
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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