I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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