I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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