Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
