I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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