Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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