I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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