now i know why i became what i already was.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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