I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
