I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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