I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
