she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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