I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
