I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
