o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
